How I Trick Myself into Self-Love
As a retired - fine, soon to retire - people-pleaser, I’ve come to realize that I really do get so much pleasure out of showering others with love. Whether it’s through a soft smile, a loud laugh, or simply giving someone the space to feel appreciated and heard, I feel a sense of inner fulfilment when I can be the reason someone experiences a glimmer of warmth in what might otherwise be a dreary, rough day.
Showing myself love, compassion, and grace? Naturally at the bottom of my priority list.
I never really saw a place for it to fit in my hardworking lifestyle or my exhausting relationships, and as we all know, it’s yet another critical life skill that we were not exactly taught in school.
I blame it on the fact that I am the grandchild of four Italian immigrants, which, IYKYK – Italian immigrants aren’t exactly the kinds of folks with the phrase “self compassion” in their commonly-used vocabulary.
Despite the gentle approach not being in my blood, I realized quickly that if I was going to make any solid progress in my recovery from mental illness, I was going to have to learn the valuable act of being nice to myself.
I also know myself, and I know that it’s going to take a bit more than positive mirror affirmations for me to start believing in something. Allow me to share with you the critical building blocks I’ve been working with over the past few years that are creating within me a strong foundation of self-love.
BUILDING TRUST 🤝
When I first began recovery from anorexia, I experienced absolutely no ‘hunger cues.’ Whereas ‘normal people’ get an urge for food around their typical lunch or dinner hour, or simply know when to reach for a pick-me-up, my doctor helped me understand – in much more scientific terminology that involved the role of the hypothalamus in my brain – that it was essentially because I had lost trust with myself. After continuously depriving my body of food for so long, my brain stopped sending over signals of hunger, because no one was listening. It’s kind of like the way you expect certain behaviour from people who have always shown you the same type of behaviour. In order to restore my hunger cues, I first needed to repair the broken relationship I built with my body - that meant consistent mealtimes, adequate nutrition, non-negotiable rest. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was actually a really great exercise for other areas of my life where I needed to repair my self rapport. When I got a call from someone who always made me feel less-than, I ignored it, regardless of the strong urge to do what felt familiar. When I felt I needed a weekend to myself, I stuck with the plan to rest even when other offers came up. When you consistently show up for yourself in small ways, you are strengthening the neural pathways in your brain that come to perceive you as a person to be trusted. When you keep the promises you make to yourself regardless of external happenstance, you are displaying a level of self trust, respect, and ultimately, love.
*Cute tip: Create an upcoming to-do task for yourself - perhaps something that you’ve been putting off for a while - and actually do it. Then, the next week, do it again. Prove to yourself that you are someone who is accountable, reliable, and trustworthy.
2. BUILDING BOUNDARIES 🫸
A great way to show yourself love is to show others that you know you are worthy of love. I was taught the concept of boundaries long before it became a buzz term, and that was because I really struggled in relationships – both with others but also myself – as a result of having weak, or nonexistent boundaries. Boundaries are not the way others treat you, boundaries are the way you teach others to treat you (and the way you will respond based off of the latter). It’s difficult, especially as a young person, to set limits with others around your time, space and needs, and it doesn’t always make people happy. That part - about making people happy - is actually not your job; what is your job is to tell people what you need to feel happy, comfortable, or safe, and it’s up to them to react accordingly. We all deserve to have and uphold boundaries that serve us well and allow us to exist with a little bit more ease. The hope is that if people in your life love you properly, they will do what they can to drop their ego by a few notches in order for you to be happy.
*Cute journal prompt: Where is an area of your life where you could create a boundary that would improve your experience? Is it with your phone, an energy vampire, or your working hours? Take some time to think about it, and if you decide to create a boundary, remind yourself “I am worthy of feeling happy. I deserve comfort.” when the inevitable guilt starts to creep in.
3. BUILDING MEANING 🥰
Oh boy, do I know the value of this one. The older I get, the more I realize how crucial it is to intentionally implement meaning and purpose into your one life. Funny thing is, we aren’t ever really taught this! We are taught to find and work a 9-5, make money, save most of that money - but those are all things that you do (probably) unwillingly in order to exist in society. What do you have in your life currently that, hold for the cringe, ignites your spark? That gives you a desire to get out of bed in the morning? Why did you stop painting, or dancing, or playing that sport that you used to have so much fun playing as a kid? Many of us in the spiritual/wellness space focus on reconnecting others with their individually magnificent - yet often lost in the sauce - natures, because we know the magic that can occur alongside that experience. I know I’m not going to get rich from blog writing or teaching meditation. I do those things because they allow me to feel a sense of meaning, fulfilment, and like my unique skills really are valuable within this world. They give me a sense of control over my experience in life, when so much of the rest of it exists outside of my control. Try to shift your focus away from how much money you can make in this life, to how much purpose you can create in this life instead.
*Cute journal prompt: What would change about your days if you started to live them a little bit more for you?
4. BUILDING ACCEPTANCE (AND FORGIVENESS) 🤲
A common theme that I have picked up on after having a variety of deep, emotional conversations with people - I’m definitely that friend - is that a lot of us still hold resentment towards ourselves for things that we did. Whether we stay in a toxic relationship for too long, abuse our one precious body with substances, or look back on life and realize we spent so much of it living for other people, we are often the harshest, most ruthless critics of our own choices. The problem - and possibly also the solution - is that the past is gone. As I’ve learned through the humbling practice of meditation, we are really only left with this moment right now, and it’s foolish to think that we have control over anything else. It’s hard to reflect on our laundry list of stupid mistakes we’ve made or to imagine what could’ve been, and there is a very valid mourning that accompanies that. But perhaps you can find some peace in knowing that the only place to go from here is in the direction of betterment, and towards more thoughtful choices or behaviour that reflect the person you want to be now.
*Cute tip: Make a list of your successes or compliments people have given you that you use as a phone wallpaper, and every day remind yourself of your potential to be good, successful and loved.
5. BUILDING CARE 🫶
Sunday Julia knows that Monday-Friday Julia is often very stressed, busy, and exhausted. Monday-Friday Julia often doesn’t have the time (or the energy) to make necessarily nutritious meals to power her through each day. Kind Sunday Julia decides to meal prep lunches and easy-to-grab healthy ingredients that Monday-Friday Julia can take to work with her. I’m going to stop talking in the third person now because it’s getting weird. The point is, I’ve realized that a lot of self care is repeatedly doing the little things that often seem really cumbersome and insignificant. I know this is a wellness blog, but even I don’t feel like journaling a gratitude list every night or taking the extra 60 seconds post shower to rub some strawberry-scented lotion over my body. The reason that I continue to do the little things is because I know they are good for me, and I deserve to do good things for myself.
*Cute journal prompt: How are you currently building your life worth living with each of these blocks? If not, why aren’t you prioritizing them, and how can you start?
I work at a University, and found these adorable messages on the inside of the bathroom stall!🥹
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Loving yourself does not mean that you’re not disciplined, or structured, or hardworking - interestingly, working on my “self-love” has actually increased my intrinsic motivation and given me the extra fuel I need to continue discovering the best version of myself. Turns out, having an ongoing internal negative dialogue streaming through my own brain all day was NOT a productive way to blossom into a stronger, more motivated human being – who knew!
✨EVENT ALERT✨
Andrea Sacco, founder of You Empower Tomorrow Niagara and I, are proud to be hosting a special self-love mini retreat at the end of this month! Starting with a guided discussion aimed to inspire thoughtful reflection, and ending with a restorative Yin Yoga session, this day will provide you with some much needed ‘you time’ before heading into what can often be an overwhelming and boundary-challenging holiday season.
Details:
🗓️November 30th, 1-3 PM
📍Bridgewater Yoga
REGISTER BELOW 🩷🧘🏻♀️🤍
Continue to spread love in this world, but remember to sprinkle it around yourself first.
“Your worth isn’t determined by others; it is carved from the love you give to yourself.”